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Subject: MICROSOFT
PRESS RELEASE
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the
Texas edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally
been shipped outside Texas. If you have one of the
Texas editions you may need some help understanding the
commands.
The Texas edition may be recognized by looking at the
opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98
with a background picture of General Lee
superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a
Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is
labeled Outhouse. My Computer is called This Infernal
Contraption. Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys,
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive
is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them
little ole plastic disc thangs.
Other features:
Instead of an error message you get a winder covered
with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out ahere
stop = tern it off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done
Also note that WINDERS 98 does not recognize capital
letters or punctuation marks.
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you
received a copy of the Texas edition. You may
return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
Subject: Important
Notice to Employees
Headquarters has determined that there is no longer any
need for network or software applications support. The
goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by
January, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with
an Etch-A-Sketch.
* No Y2K problems
* No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
* No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
Thank you.
Here are our Etch-A-Sketch tips--already done (another
plus)!
Frequently Asked Questions to Etch-A-Sketch Technical
Support:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines
all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the
same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my
Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
Computing
One-Liners
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
4 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2
Bad command. Bad, bad command. Sit! Stay!
Shell to DOS, come in DOS. Do you copy?
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue......
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.....
ACSII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Error! Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
Definition of upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones
in.
BREAKFAST.COM halted... Cereal port not responding.
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power
cord.
Access denied! Nah nah na na nah nah!
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