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One-Liners
Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
Why do psychics have to
ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence
that you tried.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened,
small stain.
90% of all statistics
are made up.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't
have film.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing
home.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him
sleep.
A good pun is it's own reword.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor.
All those who believe
in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Give me ambiguity or
give me something else.
Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard
disk?
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Corduroy pillows -- they're making headlines!
Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
There are 3 kinds of
people: those who can count & those who can't.
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you
to do it?
There's no future in time travel.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
All generalizations are
false.
What is a free gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of
that song?
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
What happens if you get
scared half to death twice?
Life is sexually transmitted.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the
back seat cause kids.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an
airplane.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the
sudden stop at the end.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no
lifeguard.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free
trip around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if
you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch
my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run
(he hates that).
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does
everyone else decide to play chess?
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing
your seat belt.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when
it's open.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive,
anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the
dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the
better attorney.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the
depth.
A closed mouth gathers
no feet.
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