Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are 

currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please

hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now

In order to expedite your call, please punch

your 63-digit product identification number

onto your telephone touch pad, followed by

your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment

inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the

smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now.

(Lengthy excerpt from Mahler's "Lugubrious" Symphony in C Minor)

Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend that you

sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at some point, and have at

hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks, computer manuals and

original packing materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in

the unlikely event that he ever takes your call. It would also be helpful

for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining your problem to the

technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to be immediately

disconnected and blackballed from further communication with Technical

Support, not only from ours but that of every other electronics-related

firm in the industrialized world.

Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order to enable

us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more about you and

your equipment. Have you called Technical Support before? If you have,

please press the numeral "one" on your telephone touchpad. If not, press

the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using the letters on your

touchpad, spell out the phrase: "I am confused and despondent and

quickly losing the will to live." Once you have finished, hang up your

phone and make arrangements to sell your computer because by the time

the technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will be too

senile to use it anyway.

(Rangoon Opera Company's classic 1963 recording of Wagner's "Ring

Cycle" in its entirety)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all of our

technicians just went out for lunch. This means that to the estimated

waiting time we gave you earlier, you may now add at least another two

hours.

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before

talking to the technician about your problem and

risking the possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please

ask yourself the following questions: If my monitor screen is dark, is it

possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer or, alternately, that I

have been suddenly struck blind? Have I exhausted every possible means

of help before utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option?

Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? Have I consulted my

manual? Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk? Have I

called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can't stand but who can

probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes? Have I given the

central processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack? If you can

not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions, please get off the line

immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly

desperate customers whose suffering is so much greater than yours.

(Recording of Tibetan monks performing a six-day chant celebrating the

reincarnation of one of their recently deceased colleagues into the form

of a salamander.)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be aware that this

week we are featuring a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM titles

you may wish to purchase, such as the best-selling Porn Doubler, which

allows you to access erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If

you would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout "Yes! Yes!

Yes!" into the telephone now. This will not cause you to lose your place

in line for Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several

other callers.

(Tape loop of background music from the soundtrack of Johnny

Mnemonic starring Keanu Reeves.)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic sensors indicate

that you are about to slump over and die from a massive frustration

attack combined with severe dehydration from lack of food and water.

Before doing so, please take a moment to place your telephone receiver

back in its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down its

internal battery. As a non-living person, you will have no further need

of Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from our list

of registered product users. Remember, we valued your patronage and

were happy to serve your needs. Do not hesitate to have your heirs or

beneficiaries contact us should any further technical problems arise.