GEORGE CARLIN WITTICISMS

1) Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3) Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

4) If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6) I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?";  She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7) Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8) If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9) If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him is he still wrong?

10) If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11) Is there another word for synonym?

12) Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

13) Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'

14) What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15) If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16) Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17) Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18) If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19) Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20) Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21) If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22) Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?

23) How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24) Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

25) What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26) I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are.

True Internet User

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Ed is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they talk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.

"WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."

She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing! "You mean---", he swallows excitedly, "I can check my e-mail from here..?"